I'm wondering...why isn't life that simple

I could have sworn that everything in life was black and white. For a long time i have been a firm believer in this. It was simple x was right, y was wrong.



If i ever decided to do "y" then i knew fully that there would be repercussions and somehow i would be ready to face them when the time came. But now I'm finding that the world has soooooo many shades of grey in it...



Grey that can overwhelm, derail, deter and all sorts of crazy.



Thing is, i love to watch the world and the things i see are quite eye-opening. Some of these things make me question what i thought was right or wrong, they make me wonder is it acceptable to do this, be a part of that, condone this, that or the other. To be honest i start asking myself, if this person does this and the next and the next, is it acceptable for me to also? Is it a means of survival that i am unaware of or naive about? will i someday find myself in those shoes?



I find my self hissing to myself "hypocrite" in some situations because i cannot say that i am a saint or that if the situation were turned around i wouldn't do the same as someone else. Thing is i would like to think not.



I have this uncanny habit of being able to separate sections of a whole scenario or situation. so much so that it could seem like there are multiple persons involved. I thought this could last forever and that as long as i had things sorted in my head "it shall be so" in reality. Sadly this is not the case.

I have come to a point in life where i need to be able to decide if i am a member of the right/white camp or the black/wrong because grey doesn't cut it anymore. The thing with grey is that you have no loyalty or integrity and there is a distinct feeling of guilt, remorse, filth or much worse.



Thing is even in trying to make that decision the timing matters a lot cos you never know what the outcome would be if you get it wrong. Sigh!

So much pondering and wondering so soon in the new year. You know what i wonder... could it be that life is never that simple? I mean i would like to say certain things about myself but then i look inwards and say nope you don't qualify ...you once were grey or black in that area! I mean this may all seem like bollocks but to be honest most things in life is some form of that.

My thoughts are right now, can i ever be free of grey? If no, then is there any point avoiding it? why not bask in grey until it deteriorates to nice matte lack or evolves naturally into white?

I think i am just fantasising about my metaphor...

The question is when do i drop black for white and will it be worthwhile...how long would it last and who controls these things.

Still wondering...
WN

I'm wondering... what is it like to be a man

It so funny, why is it that men get to be what they like in any situation and there is a positive justification of some sorts for it.
I mean I won't go into all the cliche examples that people use but seriously...I'm irked.

If you do too much of your own thing you are too independent or unsopportive, when its a man...he is just being that...a man.

I'm not sure if my thoughts are coming across clearly in this case. This post was prompted by a simple invitation. I invited my "man" to a friend's sister's pre-wedding party.
Ok before going further into that story, is that an unwise invitation to extend? Thing is I wanted him to meet the friend in question as she is quite a good friend and I find it quite wierd that they have not met yet.
I was met with resistance which I expected, but what I wasn't expecting was the rationale behind the resistance. Bottomline what came across strongly is the fact that

certain things cannot be expected of a man whereas reverse is the case with a woman.

I think this is one post i will revisit to edit as my thoughts are yet to be fully exhausted on this one...

Enough wondering for now...

WN

I'm wondering...will children define who i am?

Its pretty early in the morning and for whatever reason my mind just flashed back to 3 beautiful women I spent the previous evening with.
All of them are 'working' mothers in relatively young marriages.

What am I wondering about? Well simply if I am ready to join their club! Do I feel ready or qualified to?
Am I ready to be relegated to first division where everything about me would become less desirable and exciting!
Am I ready to loose myself to motherhood?! Here my time would bo longer be my own, my body would suffer the same fate and God knows whatelse.

Frankly my greatest fear is yet to be said...I am wondering if I am yet to discover who I am, would motherhood become the defining factor?
Would I become X's mother and nothing more or would I miraculously come to some sorta conviction of who I am or who I want to be to my child.

I don't want to be lost to the world, through my efforts or by those of my children unborn.

Still wondering...
WN